You've probably had the experience of grief at some time in your life. Someone very close to you is gone, and you feel empty, unable to take much pleasure in anything.
I'd wager you also know how it feels when everything has "gone wrong." Circumstances beyond your control caused you to miss an important meeting and you're concerned about your job. At the same time one of your children is in serious trouble at school. Your garden wall has collapsed into the neighbors' yard and they're mad as hell about it.
If you've had to recover from a major illness, you know what it's like to have no energy and no ambition. You're always tired. The littlest ordinary task seems overwhelming. It's hard to concentrate. You may even wish you could just go to sleep and not wake up.
Now, put all of those together, and multiply it by three or four. That's what major depression is like. Except when it's severe; for that you'd have to multiply by ten.
You can't just "pull yourself together" or just "snap out of it." It's with you every hour of every day. You can have moments of feeling good, but they're shallow and unsatisfying. Wrongs you've done in the past plague your thoughts while, ironically, you also obsess about the wounds inflicted on you by others. Perhaps you enjoy beautiful scenery, or listening to your favorite music. That enjoyment can't penetrate, however. The depressed mood encases your soul.
Being a psychologist, even a pretty good one, as I dare to think of myself, only helps a little. In my case, I've known what it is, that it's a biochemical disorder, that it's not due to any of my admitted defects of character. Perhaps the self-report I was able to give a psychiatrist was a bit more sophisticated than she'd get from most patients. Knowing more than a little about the actions of psychotropic medications aided our consultations.
What my professional knowledge hasn't done was get me to start a second edition of my book, or to quit talking about and actually start producing some self-hypnosis videos, or do some serious re-organization of Going-Straight.com, or even write posts for this site, in spite of having some views on current matters that I think should have been shared.
A few weeks ago I knew that I had to do more to get past this episode of major depression. Like many in my field, I've been through years of psychotherapy myself, and thanks to an innovative psychiatrist, I was already taking the combination of modern antidepressant medications that worked best for me. Therapy and medication are the first and second line of defense, but I was still losing the war.
Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), often misused in nightmarish ways in the past, was an option I suggested to the psychiatrist. In spite of significant improvements, there are still some downsides, which I won't discuss here because for some people, especially the elderly, it's sometimes the best choice. An alternative to ECT, I learned, is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS). I was skeptical because of the many wild claims about the benefits of waving magnets over your head or feet or genitals, but TMS uses powerful magnetic impulses, like those of an MRI, across the front part of the brain. So I researched TMS (I know how to use Google, of course, and another advantage of being a scientist is that I know how to separate serious information from BS) and found that it's scientifically sound and produces desired results.
TMS is also expensive. A course of treatment can run as much as $9,000, which Medicare doesn't cover, meaning my Blue Cross supplement plan wouldn't cover it either.
In checking all this, however, I stumbled across another alternative on fisherwallace.com. This is called Transcranial Stimulation (TCS) using very low amperage electrical impulses through the temples. Gadgets that do this have been around for a while, but, as you'd expect, the amount of electrical current used by a small flashlight isn't going to do much to readjust your brain chemistry. What's different about the stimulator sold by Fisher Wallace Laboratories (prescription only) is that it produces a radio-frequency wave, in a particular precise pattern, in micropulses, for twenty minutes.
Fisher Wallace isn't paying me or giving me any special consideration for this. In fact, no one there knows I'm writing this.
The device they provide was developed through painstaking research, and articles reporting favorable results for conditions including major depression have been published in numerous peer-reviewed journals. In case you're not familiar with that term, I'll just say that "peer-reviewed journals" is the gold standard for scientists.
At my request the psychiatrist checked it out, said "I'm impressed" and faxed the company a prescription. I ordered the stimulator on line (slightly over $700 with shipping) and began using it as soon as I'd read the instructions and viewed the video. It's not unpleasant to use. You can go about other activities while it's working, except driving. Some people see light flashes, as I do. That's not distracting, only a minor "flicker" at the sides of my vision. Just for the hell of it, I walked into a closet and closed the door, and that was different! Almost like a light show. Fun, actually.
Here's what's most important: After using it only ten days, twice a day, there are already some positive changes. I feel considerably better and have been getting more things done, including some physical exercise. When I enjoy something, the pleasure runs deeper. It's more than I could possibly dismiss as a placebo effect. Logically, I expect even more improvement after the recommended thirty to forty-five days. Of course it won't make me a perfect human being or make my life perfect. That's impossible, for me and everyone else on the planet.
It will be enough just to be, feel like, and live like, the Paul Karsten Fauteck I know.
There may be some who'll think less of me, knowing that I've had a mental problem of my own, something as serious as major depression. But I would think less of me if I did not share this with you.
Depression, especially major depression, is not just feeling sad or "down in the dumps." Major depression can bring early death from suicide, accident, or physical illness. It's real, it's serious, it's dangerous, it's costly to society, but it's treatable. If you or a loved one is seriously depressed, please get help. Life is worth it.